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Ah, raging, frantic paranoia. It’s always my favorite part of Thanksgiving, how about you?

Fevered panic gripped the Internet (and, I admit, my brain) over the holiday weekend as word of the next great stride toward the looming American Police State went viral, this time in a shocking ACLU article:

Senators Demand the Military Lock Up American Citizens in a “Battlefield” They Define as Being Right Outside Your Window

According to author Chris Anders of the ACLU Washington Legislative Office, Senate Bill 1867, the National Defense Authorization Act –  a “must pass” piece of legislation that will be on the Senate floor on Monday, November 28 – was drafted in secret by Sens. Carl Levin (D-Mich.) and John McCain (R-Ariz.) and passed in a closed-door committee meeting, without even a single hearing.

But most appallingly:

It contains the provision allowing for worldwide indefinite detention of citizens without charge or trial provision, including American citizens.

How odd to discover that the language of the bill seems to state the exact opposite of this terrifying claim:

(b) Applicability to United States Citizens and Lawful Resident Aliens-

(1) UNITED STATES CITIZENS- The requirement to detain a person in military custody under this section does not extend to citizens of the United States.

(2) LAWFUL RESIDENT ALIENS- The requirement to detain a person in military custody under this section does not extend to a lawful resident alien of the United States on the basis of conduct taking place within the United States, except to the extent permitted by the Constitution of the United States.